You forgot the thing they asked. Again. You interrupted mid-sentence. Again. From your partner's perspective, it looks like you don't care. From yours, you care deeply and can't understand why your brain keeps sabotaging the relationship. Both of you are right. ADHD is the problem, not either of you.
What ADHD looks like from the outside
Forgetting is working memory failure, not indifference. Inconsistency is executive dysfunction, not apathy. Emotional reactivity is poor prefrontal regulation, not aggression. Lateness is time blindness, not disrespect. But explanations don't erase impact.
The parent-child dynamic trap
The non-ADHD partner becomes the manager. The ADHD partner becomes the managed. Over time, this kills intimacy and breeds resentment. The fix: the ADHD partner builds external systems — task managers, shared calendars, tools designed for ADHD — so the management load doesn't fall on the relationship.
What each partner can do
ADHD partner: Own the impact without drowning in shame. Build systems proactively.
Non-ADHD partner: Learn the neuroscience. Advocate for systems, not effort. "Can you set a reminder?" beats "can you try harder?" When rejection sensitivity flares, offer calm reassurance.
ADHD relationships work when both partners understand the enemy is the ADHD, not each other.