"Can't you just focus?" "Everyone procrastinates sometimes." If you've heard these, here's a guide to having that conversation clearly and honestly.
Start with the mechanism, not the symptoms
ADHD is a difference in how the brain's management system works. The prefrontal cortex — planning, prioritizing, starting tasks, managing emotions, perceiving time — is underactivated. It's not a motivation problem. It's a brain wiring problem.
An analogy that lands: "Imagine an orchestra with brilliant musicians but the conductor keeps falling asleep."
The most common misconceptions
"But you can focus on video games for hours"
ADHD isn't a lack of focus. It's a lack of control over focus. Hyperfocus is determined by dopamine, not priorities.
"Everyone struggles with that"
The difference is frequency, severity, and impairment. Forgetting where you put keys once is normal. Losing your wallet monthly and missing deadlines that cost you jobs is a neurological pattern.
"You just need to try harder"
People with ADHD are often trying harder than anyone in the room. The effort to do "normal" things is genuinely higher because it requires manually doing what other brains do automatically.
The invisible parts
- Time blindness — not being able to feel time passing
- Emotional intensity — feelings that hit harder and faster
- Chronic shame — years of "not living up to potential"
- Mental exhaustion — the cost of compensating all day
What you need from them
- Patience with forgetfulness — it's not that I don't care
- Directness over hints — subtlety gets lost
- Acknowledge effort, not just results — being on time may have taken me twice the mental energy
- Systems over willpower — "can you set a reminder?" helps. "Try harder to remember" doesn't.
If they respond with skepticism, one line that often lands: "I'm not asking you to fully understand it. I'm asking you to believe me when I tell you how my brain works."